Thursday, September 10, 2009

Gravity Without Pull

In rare moments, I am able to still both my body and my mind enough to imagine Jared sitting with me. It is more than a cozy feeling, a spiritual sensation, or my hazy imagination; no, he is right there next to me, smiling, talking, laughing, smoking a cigarette. I can see him, I can smell him, I can hear him, and my skin buzzes with that magnetic feeling from someone sitting close but not quite touching you. When I am with Jared I am able to leave the urgency of this world behind and take a peek at forever. It takes great effort; I am emotionally drained and physically shaken by the time the spell is broken, typically by a child rushing in with a tattle to tale, or a phone ringing in another room. This is the toughest time, I am like a junkie coming down from the high he knows he shouldn't have been on; I am mournful, beaten-down, and guilty, but I know that I will do it again, as soon as I am alone and still enough. For now the lows are worth the highs. I do however fear that one day his edges will blur, his features fade, his smells dissipate, and his sounds dampen. What will I do then?

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